daflink blog

It was exactly one week ago tonight. I was sitting watching TV after the kids were asleep. Korin had been out of town since Friday night, so after 3 days single parenting I was ready to completely veg out and look forward to Korin's imminent return the following day. About 10:30PM last Monday she called - and she was a wreck. The situation that had drawn her out of town was already well in hand, so I knew that couldn't be the problem. But she was a mess. What's wrong? What's happened?

"Andrew died." I had never even met Andrew. Andrew was somewhat of a miracle in his own right, one of two twin sons born to Korin's cousin Stacy this past April after repeated attempts at having children. Ryan and Stacy had been trying very hard to start a family, and when things finally clicked they clicked twofold - their fraternal twin boys Andrew and Daniel were born on April 5th of this year. I know this because the birth announcement still hangs on my refrigerator. Every time I have opened the refrigerator this week, I have looked at this birth announcement. Andrew is sleeping peacefully. Daniel's eyes are wide open. Andrew wasn't even sick, but now Andrew is gone.

How do you respond to news like this? There are no words. I would say that more than anything I was just stunned, more as a parent than as a relative. I know Stacy and Ryan, they are both very kind and sweet people. But I see them once every 2 or 3 years at best. They live in Hawai'i and we don't get there very much. But I am a parent and i have been (twice) through the first tenuous months of newborn life. And twice through the pain of a pregnancy that wasn't meant to be. But our miscarriages, while physically and emotionally painful, have ultimately been disappointing but temporary interruptions on the way to a happy ending. Both miscarriages that Korin and I have been through were followed up by two happy healthy pregnancies resulting in two happy healthy children.

So last Monday, after dealing with one situation, Korin and her family have this one dropped on them. Korin comes home the next day, and is stunned, and feels awful as does everyone in the family. But we try to resume our lives and keep up on the situation in Hawai'i as best we can. Then there are funeral arrangements. And there is the decision Korin makes that she must go to Hawai'i to mourn the death of a cousin that she never even met. Travel arrangements are made, we consider whether some or all of us should accompany her, and we ultimately decide that she'll just go solo on this one and we'll try to keep life as normal as we can here in San Francisco.

And then there is Friday. Both Korin and I work at home now, so we stay out of each other's way during the day but take an occasional break here or there to chat or go for lunch or whatever. Andrew died on Monday, Korin came home from Colorado on Tuesday, and life continued on Wednesday and Thursday. But for some reason, once the funeral was planned and Korin's next set of travel arrangements made, Friday was the day that the bomb really dropped on us. Neither Korin nor I are on Facebook that much, but my chat client is on Facebook constantly and I get notifications when my friends sign on. Korin never signs on. Not until she found out that Facebook was where a lot of the information and the mourning were happening. So, on Friday I begin to see lots of notifications that Korin is signing on to Facebook. Then within a minute I hear sounds of weeping coming from the next room. Her eyes are puffy. She looks exhausted. But she gets through that day and into the weekend.

We had a fine weekend, and today I dropped her off at the airport for her flight to Hawai'i for tomorrow's funeral. I have stayed behind with the kids to try to maintain some normalcy, but I am on edge. I am short with them, and have no tolerance for the slightest bit of crap. They don't really understand it. Charli understands that people die, but only old people. Not babies. She doesn't really know just how sad and tragic this whole thing is I think. Maybe she'll read this post someday and understand.

All the while, all I have really wanted to make sure of was that our kids were ok. I have assumed Tactical. Well, for the most part anyway. My birthday was on Sunday so I sort of took the day off, and Korin made us all a yummy dinner and cake while I sat around, played with the kids, drank beer, and watched the Cardinals lose in 19 innings. 19 innings is a lot of beer. But I did ok. And now I am sitting here in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, mulling over things, and wishing that I was a little better at dealing with these situations. So my daflink, I hope you don't feel like I wasn't there for you this week - I just wanted to be sure that everyone was where they needed to be when then needed to be there, and that there was food on the table, and whatever else needed to happen. Thanks for covering for me Sunday - it was a very nice birthday in spite of the circumstances.

And to the rest of the Yangs, I hope that you are somehow able to turn this pain into something more than the loss of a precious child. For Korin and I, it has really reenforced how precious our kids are, even if they are a pain in the ass from time to time. The loss of Andrew will leave a crater in our lives, probably for the rest of our lives, but such beauty and love remain behind.